Am I too grouchy to do this work?
The following excerpt is from my book, Nurturing the Song Within. It explores the inner work underlying creative work and the creation of a life.
It’s very important to think positive. More important probably is knowing that a negative thought will release poison into your system and will eventually kill you if you keep doing it.
- Willie Nelson
I’ve had a few experiences in my life – less than five – where I entered a deeply meditative state and encountered overwhelming feelings of positive energy. Once, during the darkest days of Heron Dance in 2011, I attended a shaman retreat put on by a former director of Heron Dance. I can’t remember how exactly I got into the trance that inspired the thoughts below, but it involved a lot of drumming and then a dream state during which I entered a hole in the ground and found myself in a different reality. I encountered a variety of animals, mostly fish and water mammals. I came upon a raging river —- in those days I was into whitewater kayaking —- and was forced along by an almost overwhelming current. Eventually I found myself standing in the center of a half circle of spirit entities from another realm. They waited for me to speak. I asked them questions.
I asked them whether or not I am too grouchy to be the creator of Heron Dance. This question was inspired, in part, by the struggles and resulting dark moods I was experiencing trying to keep Heron Dance going during a difficult time. And partly the question was inspired by my internal ferocity, a characteristic that has been both an ally in keeping Heron Dance going, and the biggest obstacle to it achieving its full potential.
Their response:
Don’t worry about things like that. Just be a conduit for our energy. Don’t try to be anything. Just be open to our energy.
It isn’t what you get, it is about what you give: love, compassion, beauty.
It is not about how you feel. It is not about what you don’t like. It is not about what makes you
upset: unfairness, etc.
It is about what you give.
You have been given a powerful, courageous spirit. The spirit guides have chosen you to be a conduit for their energy. You need to do something with that.
Just be open to our energy, be a conduit for our energy. We will take care of the rest.
They told me not to worry about money. Live simply and they would see that enough money gets sent my way. Discomfort was a part of my journey. Discomfort was my ally, my teacher, they said.
They offered guidance into a variety of different subjects – what to explore in Heron Dance for instance. In those days Heron Dance was publishing the fictional, semi-erotic, private journal of Archibald Campbell, wild artist. Drop that they said. Too intense.
They offered guidance on my role in the local community I was living in at the time – in particular guidance on the subject of good people who avoid me because I can be too provocative and intense. They offered guidance on my self-protectiveness and my somewhat related attraction to unpredictable chaotic situations and people. They emphasized the importance of meditation and deep internal peace, two necessary elements of the path they had chosen for me. I had recently had a couple of close calls and so I asked them whether or not I’d die whitewater kayaking. No, they said. But don’t worry about stuff like that. Whitewater kayaking is about balance and going with the flow, neither one of which you are ever going to be particularly good at.
Concentrate on spiritual journeys rather than physical journeys. I’m still not completely sure what they meant by that.
Overall their message was that there are positive forces of beauty, of cohesion and harmony and peace. And there are negative forces of chaos, destruction and hatred. Serve the positive forces and we will help you. We will be on your side.
. . .
I wish I could say that I took those messages to heart and reoriented my life around them. No I didn’t. I came up with a variety of excuses. I made halting efforts. I’m still on the journey, still sometimes failing, still sometimes succeeding. Still trying. I consider the fact that I am still trying a triumph of sorts. There is not a doubt in my mind that, had I followed the guidance they offered, the last twelve or thirteen years would have been more peaceful, more deeply satisfying. I would be more at peace with myself. On one level, it all gets down to surrender. Surrendering is the most difficult spiritual work I have done and need to do.
My point is that in deeply meditative states brought on by meditation and self-hypnosis we encounter important messages. Those messages often will not be what we expect or want to hear. Even though they involve living a simpler life, a more relaxed life, many of these messages are not easy to live. They challenge us on deep, uncomfortable levels.
Nevertheless, they offer a path through the chaos, both the chaos inside and the chaos in the greater world that surrounds.
My follow-up interview of Bill Porter (aka Red Pine) in which I explore further his use of the term “the gods” in the context of help that shows up in his work, and his childhood and how it affected his future path.
You can view and read about the first interview of Bill here. Also, on the Zen Mountain Journal Substack, there’s a different approach to the interview — more Bill, less me — here.
Nurturing The Song Within explores the inner work out of which creative work and a unique human life evolve. It contains key insights from hundreds of interviews Heron Dance founder Roderick MacIver has conducted over the last thirty years of people who choose their own path in life, and persist through the challenges and setbacks to make their dreams real.
Those interviewed include artists, adventurers, activists, and people who devote their lives to serving others. The book explores the murky waters of deep imagination, friendship with one’s inner world, and how those inspire creativity. In the interviews, and through reflections on both those interviews and his own life, the author seeks to understand the hidden wellsprings that guide and provide the clarity and courage required to create a unique life. This is a book by someone who has done it –- who has been a fulltime working artist for thirty years. Over ninety of the author’s full color paintings accompany the reflections and interview excerpts in each volume of the two-book set.
A human life is an expression of ideas, of dreams, of courage and of discipline. Or the lack thereof. A life fully lived, a unique life, grows out of something deep – the essence of a human being. It evolves out of that which is sacred inside each of us. Its exact source is difficult to explain; it can however be sensed and understood.
There are still a few copies of the first edition of Nurturing the Song Within available. This is a premium art book with a Smyth-sewn lay flat binding printed by on high quality art paper. Each two-page spread includes a painting and journal notes on living a creative, meaningful life.