Many of us have a strange inclination toward that which is counterproductive in our lives, that which diminishes our happiness. Many of us have an attraction to endeavors and relationships that are out of whack with who we are and who we want to be.

I’ve tried to develop a knowledge of how I tend to sabotage myself. I carefully examine the recurring adverse events of my life.

I’ve come to realize that most of the mistakes I’ve made in my life have come after long periods of overwork. Ditto the disputes, the substandard creative work, the failed relationships and a long list of other embarrassments. I remember first figuring this out forty-five years ago, taking three weeks off, and then entering a period in my life of happiness and high productivity.

When I am overtired, my life lacks a flow, lacks momentum. Lots of little things go wrong. For some reason though, I am unwilling to acknowledge that I’m overextended. In fact, my impulse is to work harder, to make decisions faster. The result is never good. To try to break my old patterns I keep a list. On that list are things to beware of, including difficulty concentrating, discouragement, and a difficulty discerning the difference between real and imaginary threats. There are eighteen signs on my list in total.

If your life tends to occasionally spin out of control, consider preparing a similar list.

I also seem to have an attraction to challenge: adventures, experiments, new people, new places and new art. Some of these are healthy, some unhealthy. I’m still tryng to learn to conserve energy so that I can focus energy.

What I worry about: How much of all of this might be related to a lack of belief in myself?

Complexity frustrates me, alienates me from myself. Why am I so attracted to it?

Consider your health. In my life, when my health has deteriorated, as with cancer, it has been after an extended period of living in ways that are not in sync with my beliefs and values about what is important in life.

To get back in sync, all I need to do is to walk in a forest of big trees, to sit down at the base of one, and watch for half an hour or so.

. . .

What are the common characteristics of periods of setback and frustration in your life?